Echoes of joy from our lament!

The moment my life changed!

Jay's car!

Jay’s car!

A big burly police officer was standing at my front door. I smiled at him, thinking he was there to collect money for the police force after the tragic events of 9/11.

“Are you Mrs. Alexander?’ he asked respectfully.

“Yes!” I responded quizzically.

Then the words came tumbling out of his mouth: “Ma’am, I have some very bad news for you?” Those words were about to change my life forever.

There are some days where every detail that occurred is embedded in your memory never to be erased or washed away. Neither should they be because each event, whether good, bad, happy or sad is part of us. Our past is an intrinsic piece of our story, and the way in which we manage each situation determines the remainder of our story.

The power of memory

Memory is a gift! But sometimes that gift is wrapped in sorrow. And yet, even in the midst of that sorrow and lament there can be, and should be, echoes of joy! July 1st, 2002 was one such day for me.

I had returned from the store and was unpacking my groceries when the ringing of our doorbell startled me. The police officer said to me, “Your son has been involved in a very tragic accident.” Fear settled on me like a cloud. I felt it diffusing into my thighs and my belly“Ma’am, I have some very bad news for you?” Those words were about to change my life—it filled my mouth with that horrid metallic taste, leaving my mouth dry and my tongue feeling like sandpaper.

Waiting

Jay’s scars (Used with his permission)

Jay’s scars (Used with his permission)

We arrived at Carolina’s Medical Center approximately an hour and a half after the horrendous car accident that left Jason’s car pulverized and unrecognizable.

He had been airlifted to hospital and we were told to, “Wait!”
And, wait we did.
We waited—what for, we did not know.

I am not sure how long we waited, but waiting for me, was far better than death, so wait I did . . . all day if it would delay the inevitable . . . telling me my son had not made it. Those were words I simply could not comprehend hearing of my 22 year old, blonde, blue-eyed son . . . so I would wait!

Eventually, three grim faced doctors appeared and ushered Paul and me into a private room with our Pastor. By now, our daughter, Anna had arrived and the desperation and pain etched on her face made me want to protect her from the horror confronting us. I couldn’t! This was our reality; we could not run from it, hide from it or will it away. We had to face it!

“We are going to be honest with you,” the doctors said. They were trying to be compassionate, but they could not hide the dismal truth. “People with your son’s injuries do not survive,” and they began to list some of his injuries.

Those were harsh words indeed, lacerating our hearts to pieces. Paul had to walk out the room because he suddenly felt nauseous and afraid. He stood over the toilet bowl and retched. After splashing cold water in his face and calling out to God, he walked back into the tiny room and we were informed that we should go up to the fifth floor and wait there for further news.

Paul, Carol and our precious Jay 5 weeks after the accident - we are smiling with joy because he is alive!

Paul, Carol and our precious Jay 5 weeks after the accident – we are smiling with joy because he is alive!

Our long dark night was just beginning!

Glimmers of hope

As we walked out of the room, our Anna; gracious, beautiful girl, put her hands gently on my shoulders—tears coursing down her cheeks—she didn’t care . . . her brother was on the fifth floor fighting the greatest battle of his life, “Mommy, my brother is NOT going to die, he is going to walk out of this hospital,” she sobbed.

The pain and fear did not diminish or subside, but a quiet and deep hope filtered through my being and would sustain me through the greatest test of my life.

Torrid truth

“Your son has a ruptured aorta; his lungs, liver and spleen have all ruptured and a rib has penetrated the left ventricle of his heart. Please sign these forms as we need to take him to surgery immediately,” Dr. Mark Reames, the thoracic cardiologist told us.

I was glad that Paul was with me—his strength, his courage and his faith were my anchors.

I was dazed, but as I looked around I saw people everywhere! They were lining the corridors, sitting in the waiting room, standing around us . . . “Where were all these people from?” I only recognized a few faces. We had only lived in Concord, North Carolina for five months, and yet, the hospital was filled with people from our church and our community—this beautiful, incredible, life-giving community, the Body of Christ.

Sheer desperation!

Jay was in surgery for over seven hours that night.

When we were given permission to go and see him, we could hardly recognize our own son laying there. He was on life support, there were tubes in his body and needles everywhere.

Desperate!

I had never felt such heartache, vulnerability and spiritual nakedness.

Dark days

Jay was in ICU for 28 days and in an induced coma for 21 of those days.

They were agonizing days to say the least. The full story is told in my book Wild HopeSuffice it to say, those days were filled with every possible emotion.

Despair. Hope. Pain. Agony. Hope.

It was a roller coaster experience of different emotions. One moment we were elated at the smallest sign of progress, the next one we were spiraling downwards into the tunnel of despondency.

Brighter days

Father and son

Father and son

We emerged from our dark night into the brightness of a new and beautiful day. Anna’s prophecy, “My brother will walk out of this hospital,” came to pass. Jay was alive! He came through his ordeal, and we did too . . . not without some horrific moments.

One of those moments was when the doctors from the Trauma Intensive Care ward, called our Pastor to tell him to come to the hospital on the third day because they were losing Jay. More of those phone calls followed. Dread filled days!

Lessons learned

What did we as a family take from this experience?
How has this ordeal changed our lives?

Well, joy and thankfulness are close companions that flow through our family DNA. Our lives have changed because we are acutely aware that life is short. It is a gift! Our days are numbered, and truth be told, none of us know when our time will come to breathe our final breath.

Jay with his beloved grandfather in 2013!

Jay with his beloved grandfather in 2013!

Seize each and every moment

And so it is, that as a family we value each moment we have with each other.

We don’t think you can ever say, “I love you!” enough.

Spending reckless moments of time with each other, drinking copious amounts of tea, and belly laughing over meals, is part of our joyous response to our memory of lament.

Each and every precious moment with each other is a gift so extraordinary and beautiful that somehow, there will always be echoes of joy emanating from a memory of deep and abiding lament!

God’s amazing grace

In the midst of it all, our amazing God upheld us through each moment. We felt His tender love and care expressed through His people. His sorrow was evidenced through so many individuals who traveled from afar to weep and pray with us. Thousands of friends around the world joined us in our journey of lament and upheld us with their prayers.

Life is short—eternity is on the horizon!

And now we live with the echoes of eternity and the realization that when life on earth is over, it will just be beginning. Therein is the fusion of lament and joy all wrapped up in the promise of Hope after life!

These are the echoes of joy that emanate from our lament.

Carol is married to Paul and they have two wonderful children and two grandchildren. She has lived on four continents, traveled to over 50 countries and preached in most of them. She is passionate about Jesus and His Kingdom and has just published her memoir, Wild Hope. She has a PhD in practical theology and currently serves as Director of the Graduate School at Trinity Bible College, North Dakota.

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3 Comments

  1. Shann de Smidt November 29, 2014 at 11:40 am - Reply

    As I was reading this story, I asked myself how I would face such news. What an encouragement this is to be an integral part of the body of Christ, as well as to stand firm even in the very darkest of circumstances. Thank you Carol for sharing your heart.

    • carol March 16, 2015 at 8:08 pm - Reply

      Shann,
      I also asked myself that question many times. When I was confronted with trauma on that day God’s grace was all pervading. We never know how we will cope with trauma but I discovered that in my darkest hour God did not whisper His love He shouted it to me through His people.
      Blessings on you!
      Carol

  2. Gill Shiels June 17, 2016 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    I remember when it happened, we had an email from AOG offices and we began praying for you and your son. It was good to read a little more of the story and to rejoice with you at the healing of your son and to see photos of him looking so well. God bless you Carol. Our God is truly the strength of our lives.

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